[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
tell em, edith-anne
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.