[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.