Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?