[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”