[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
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I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery