[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: