At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
You Might Also Like
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
God has left this place
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
why am I working on Labor Day
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Swedish for common sense.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*