At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My plans: 2020:
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress