Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

These work great until they don’t.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.