At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
You Might Also Like
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?