At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
This probably isn’t good
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?