Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

😂😂

Hell yeah 👍

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.