At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
Today I’m going to give it my almost
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon