At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.