At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Yup
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.