At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.