At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
fourth time’s the charm
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch