[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Are we there yet?…
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested