Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

😎 🍻

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER