[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
happy valentine’s day to me
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes