Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

Jogging has never helped my memory.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.