Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.