[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.