*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…
“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I love you…
…r dog.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.