Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

When your parents check you’re ok.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.