Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

I Can’t Tonight…

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.