Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

never compromise your values

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.