Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

absolutely not

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs