Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

I feel it

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?