*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
☠️ ☠️
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Have kids, they said
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I falcon love using swear birds
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
