*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006