*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
can you read it!!??
maan!
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
