At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.