Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.