Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”