Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

doing some research

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

my sentiments exactly

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire