[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.