Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

very niche meme I made

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”