Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.