(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Good morning ☺️
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how