(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
checking out some reviews of my local library
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house