*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy