[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.