Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”