Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

ㅤ

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Morning all.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂