[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
How can I say no to this ?
Florida be like…
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
my dad has had enough
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.