[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
motivation
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[on my way back to the posting caves]
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course