Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

True statement👍😏😁

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou