Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

I’ve been learning to cook.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

🐕🍷

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.