Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.