Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Bless you

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope