Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real 😅

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.