At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My blood type is b hungry.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Only a mother’s love …
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
