Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me