(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
You Might Also Like
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I did not eat the cake…
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.