Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I hate everything

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.