Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO