*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”