Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

dream blunt rotation

I found your tweet-up…

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*