At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.