At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
