At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.