At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*