At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
You Might Also Like
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Genius.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
A Monday every week is excessive
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.