Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Mike is short for Micycle

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

There is no “we” in pizza

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

water it, i dare you

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots