*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.