*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious