@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

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@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@heidi420x

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

@poutinesmoothie

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@meganamram

They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants

@shutupmikeginn

Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird

“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”

Oh, please take literally all of my money.