@pilau
@psybermonkey Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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@psybermonkey 
@_Tempo11 I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
@heidi420x You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
@Faceyspace My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.
@poutinesmoothie I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
@RowdyBerger My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
@singwithTaffy (friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
@JB4Realz Copy Editor is a rewording career.
@meganamram They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
@shutupmikeginn Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird
“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”
Oh, please take literally all of my money.