@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

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@ActualHuman01

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

@EmissaryKerry

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

@poutinesmoothie

Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.

@david8hughes

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

@KeetPotato

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

@kumailn

What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like “I tried to stab my friend” & his opponents are like “no you didn’t.”

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@SICKOFWOLVES

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN