[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.


HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*


Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.


I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.


I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.


Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind


? Taaaake onnn beeees ?
[Take on bees]
? Taaaake beeeees onnn ?
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ?
Too many
Beeeeees ?


I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.