[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
and now we wait
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol