[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.
Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like “I tried to stab my friend” & his opponents are like “no you didn’t.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN