[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤