[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You Might Also Like
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.