Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Jurassic park gets weird

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.